


Alcohol Is Not a Good Midnight Snack

by arekan, yorozuyas



Category: Gintama
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst with a Happy Ending, Comfort, Comfort/Angst, Drunk Fic, Drunk Gintoki, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, I'm Bad At Tagging, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-20
Updated: 2016-02-20
Packaged: 2018-05-22 01:34:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,418
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6065725
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/arekan/pseuds/arekan, https://archiveofourown.org/users/yorozuyas/pseuds/yorozuyas
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>No matter where he goes or how deep in hell he hides, he's sure they'll always be there to find him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Alcohol Is Not a Good Midnight Snack

**Author's Note:**

> Guess who's back! That's right! The epic yorozuyasxarekan duo is back! And this time, we present to you - angst!! I hope you enjoy this as much as we've enjoyed writing this.

It’s currently midnight, and Hijikata is wandering around the streets of Kabuki district. He’s checking for any suspicious activities, or if any citizens needed help or are causing problems. As much as he loves to work, he’s also glad he’s getting his day off the next day because he’s been having such a busy week ever since Yamazaki came and told everyone that he’s found the Joui rebels’ hideouts, which brings them that much closer to finally arresting the fuckers _and_ Katsura.

Hijikata takes a puff out of his cigarette and chucks them on the floor, only to light another one up again. He walks past familiar shops, ones he visits often and he stops in front of Snack Smile where Four Eyes’ sister works. Seeing that nothing is out of the ordinary (really, Hijikata’s just checking whether that chief of his is stalking Otae, though he’s sure she can handle him on her own), he continues walking again, taking a puff out of his cigarette every now and then.

He stops, mid puff, when he hears an all too familiar voice yelling about God knows what. He takes a few steps forwards and sees him, in all his silver-haired glory, slumped underneath a lamp post and a pile of bile directly underneath him. He has half a mind to forget he saw anything and walk away, it’s tempting and he’s one second away from doing so before he hears the damned perm head groan and curse out.

Like the very ‘respectable’ officer he is, he approaches Gintoki and nudges him with his foot.

“Oi, idiot, get up,” he drawls out, voice monotonous, “Get up before I change my mind about helping you.”

“Ah, Oogushi-kun!” Gintoki slurs, a stupid smile plastered on his face. “Have you come to arrest me, Oogushi-kun?”

“I’m not Oogushi-kun you stupid parfait freak! Now get the fuck up before I actually arrest you!”

But Gintoki ignores him. The bastard just walks past him, unsteady on his own feet. Hijikata can see how tipsy he is, even by the way he carries himself and he can’t help but wonder exactly how many shots of sake he downed. He stares at Gintoki’s back in curiosity, eyebrows scrunched up together. But that stops when Gintoki suddenly puts his arm around a random stranger.

“Hey, miss! Wanna have a good time?! It’ll only be for five yen and I’ll promise it’ll feel-” Gintoki never finishes his sentence because Hijikata _literally_ drags the fucker by the collar of his shirt as the woman lets out a high pitched shriek.

“What the fuck are you doing?!” he snarls, pushing him against a post as soon as the woman is out of sight.

Gintoki giggles - yes, _actually giggles_ , and pats Hijikata on the shoulder. “Jus’ wanna have some good time, Oogushi-kun!”

“I’m _not_ \- nevermind,” he grits his teeth, realizing the man is too drunk to even realize the shit coming out of his mouth. “I’m taking you home, Yorozuya.”

“Don’t wanna!” Gintoki pouts, extending his arms in front of him in an attempt to keep Hijikata at bay. But he does it so quickly, the heels of his palms strikes the other in the nose and now he feels even angrier and impatient than before.

“Ya fuckin’-!” Hijikata growls. He pushes Gintoki against the post again, his front smashing against the pole, his face resting against the cool metal surface. In one swift move, the Demonic Vice-Captain dishes out for his handcuffs and binds Gintoki together, though he doubts it’ll do anything different anyway. Handcuffs or not; drunk or not, Gintoki will somehow find a way to escape his hands, or cause a scene, no matter what Hijikata does - and that’s one of the reasons why the sugarfreak gets under his skin.

Face smushed against the post, Gintoki mumbles something out and starts to thrash around in an attempt to free Hijikata off his backside. He writhes around and sways his head back and forth, knocking his head against the post and subsequently stepping on Hijikata’s foot.

“Stop that, you idiot!” Hijikata barks, hands tightening around Gintoki’s wrists, “And get off m’fucking foot!”

Gintoki opens his mouth then and yells out, “Help! This police officer is harassing me! Do you _want_ this kind of police to protect yo-”

“Shut the fuck up!” Hijikata hisses, clamping his hand over Gintoki’s mouth, who is still talking despite his voice being muffled.

Gintoki doesn’t stop resisting, wriggling around until Hijikata turns him around to face him and bangs their foreheads together. But Gintoki stumbles backwards, back gently banging against the post and missing a step, he crashes towards Hijikata. Landing with a thud, he opens his eyes to see Hijikata’s ever present scowl plastered on his face.

“I can't believe I’m wasting my time on an obnoxious drunk bastard like you,” Hijikata mumbles angrily under his breath. He tugs on Gintoki’s arm, hauling the man to his feet. “You’re goin’ home.”

“Noooo!” Gintoki lets out a drunken high-pitched shriek. “I don't wanna fucking go back there! _They’ll_ come back!”

Hijikata ignores him.

“And besides,” Gintoki rests his head against Hijikata’s chest, cuffed hands feeling the rhythmic pounding of his heartbeat, “You’re warm.”

Hijikata flushes, mouth opening to stutter back an insult until he feels Gintoki stiffen above him.

“You’re much warmer than any of them, they’re always so _cold_ and they never leave, not even after all this time.”

He doesn’t say anything, he can’t, it’s not his place nor is he one to comfort people – Sougo would laugh at the notion – so he lays there, underneath him, while Gintoki talks about how warm he is.

“Uh-” Hijikata is at lost for words. So instead, he wraps his arm around Gintoki’s shoulder (who is still bent over with his head on Hijikata’s chest) and helps him up. Hijikata starts towards the direction of the Yorozuya headquarters, but first he has to station someone here - he can’t leave his job without someone replacing him, so he sends out a quick text to Yamazaki demanding a replacement since something came up on his side. Without waiting for a reply, Hijikata sets out and carries the drunken permy bastard back home despite his protests.

Gintoki places his arms around Hijikata’s neck, his head effectively trapped between his arms.

“W-what the _hell_ are you doing!?” He snaps, eyes leering at the form of Gintoki draped across his side, face too close to his for his own liking.

“Tryna make m’self comfortable,” Gintoki slurs. “Make m’self feel at home.”

“Y-Yeah, well,” Hijikata glares at him, tearing his face away from Gintoki, “if you _haven’t_ noticed, we’re outside, and I’m having trouble breathing with the way you’re holding onto me. And move away. You reek of alcohol.”

Gintoki looks up at him and smiles goofily. “Has anyone ever told you how pretty your eyes are?” The Shinsengumi officer gasps, slightly taken aback, and he feels his ears turn red. Gintoki lets out a laugh again, before he gags and - fuck.

He throws up on Hijikata - all of the contents of whatever the fuck he’d shoved in his digestive system earlier are now all over his fucking _uniform_ and he could feel it stick to his skin. It’s so fucking revolting, Hijikata gets the urge to also hurl everything he’d eaten for dinner.

“You’re fuckin’ disgusting,” He growls hands covering his mouth and nose at an attempt to filter the smell.

It takes them a while with Gintoki staggering everywhere and Hijikata honestly _trying_ not to beat the perm out of him, but they make it to the Yorozuya base with Gintoki reeking of alcohol and both of vomit. They get inside using a key that dangles from Gintoki’s sleeve and Hijikata sets him down on the couch, hand rubbing the back of his neck.

“Oi, lend me some clothes since these reek of, well, _you_ ,” Hijikata says, quickly unbuttoning his Shinsengumi uniform jacket and inspecting the puke stained cravat.

He glances towards Gintoki and sighs, running a hand through his hair.

“Guess you’ll have to change too,” he says, sliding the door to Gintoki’s room, “Where’s the bathroom?”

“Down the hall, by the front door,” Gintoki grunts out, back bent forwards and head between his knees.

Hijikata’s already back and changed into a set of Gintoki’s clothes; trousers and a shirt he’s never seen him wear.

“Here,” he says, handing him a set of pajamas that Hijikata’s too baffled on _how the hell_ he’s already memorized what the bastard wears to sleep.

Hijikata sets him upright and helps him head towards the bathroom, the sound of their sock clad feet scuffing against the wooden floorboards. Thrusting a towel in his arms, he opens the door and pushes him in.

“I trust you not to die in there,” he closes the door once Gintoki gives him a goofy smile and turns around.

There’s something inside Hijikata’s chest that _tightens_ at the thought of leaving while Gintoki can’t even see him leave. It’s bitter and makes him _sick_. So, he waits and waits until he hears the water stop and shuffling of feet, and soon Gintoki. Well, a rather _bare_ Gintoki with a towel wrapped around his lower body. Face flushed and stumbling backwards, he frantically waves his arms in front of him and seethes out at Gintoki.

“P-put some damned clothes on!”

He glances at a _very_ flustered Hijikata and a small, tiny smirk forms on his lips.

“This is my house,” he leans his head back and shakes the water droplets out with his hand. He’s well aware of Hijikata’s one too many second long stare.

Hijikata coughs and straightens up, shuffling around as Gintoki heads to his room to get dressed.

“I guess...” He clamps his hand against the back of his neck, it’s cold, “I should get going. Bye.”

He turns back and heads towards the door. He doesn’t know why it feels so agonizingly long to reach it, nor does he understand why something in his chest physically aches when the door comes closer and closer. He hears something but pays no attention to it, probably Gintoki doing god knows what.

But then something warms grips his wrist and he’s snapped back into crimson. It’s not like Sougo’s, not the same type of red that’s set off to kill him or that perfectly hides away its insecurities, no, it’s the red that makes him want to cry because _dammit_ , he can’t bear seeing them like that.

“Don’t...” his voice is so faint it shocks him, making his eyes widen just the slightest bit as Gintoki’s grip loosens, “Please don’t leave me.”

Hijikata’s speechless, he doesn’t know what to say - for how can he reply when the man in front of him makes a face like that? His eyes look distant and lonely, like it held years of pain and unbearable sadness and fear of being left behind. The expression makes his chest tighten again and he - very slowly - turns back towards Gintoki. His hand is still wrapped around his wrist, though it’s so loose he barely feels them anymore.

He tries to speak, but his voice is lost into oblivion. So instead, he nods - it’s the only thing he thinks he can do in a situation like this. Hijikata’s closer to Gintoki now, and up close, he could see the slight trembling of his lip and the tremor in his body and _fuck_ , he doesn’t know what’s giving him the urge to wrap Gintoki in a blanket and hide him from all of his insecurities and worries - away from his past.

“Okay, I won’t leave, I’ll stay,” Hijikata says, albeit awkwardly, but he says it nonetheless.

Gintoki releases a sigh, head leaning down so his forehead rests against Hijikata’s chest. He grabs hold of the fabric of the shirt Hijikata’s wearing and brings him closer. He’s warm and he smells like something he’d pleasantly come home to.

“Thank you,” he hiccups and Hijikata raises a brow, eyes quickly squinting as Gintoki lets out a few giggles.

“You’re still drunk, aren’t you?” he can’t bring himself to get mad at him, which is unusual in itself.

Gintoki nods his head, but he doesn’t look up, head firmly against Hijikata’s rapidly beating heart. It’s soothing and he’s warm and _so_ soft, he doesn’t want to let him go. Everything’s so calming and he doesn’t want it to end, to never break this moment of peace. But, nothing really goes his way.

“Hey...” Hijikata’s voice is soft, which, if he were sober, he’d have teased him greatly about, as if he _cared_ about him.

“I had a nightmare,” he blurts out and he doesn’t know why, he’s never really spoken about himself to anyone, aside from the whole incident with Sougo and Hijikata a while ago. He doesn’t want anyone to worry about him; he doesn’t deserve to have anyone worry about _him_.

Hijikata’s silent, but Gintoki doesn’t mind, he’s okay with his arms wrapping themselves around him as he begins to tremble again. His mind is a blur and his voice catches in his throat as he tries to speak, but he _can’t_. He hears Hijikata try to comfort him, some strangled out sound that escapes his lips, which makes let out a heavy, choked out laugh.

“Hijikata-kun,” his name flows out of Gintoki’s mouth so easily, as if he was air and Gintoki took his first breath of fresh air.

His arms involuntarily tighten his hold around Gintoki’s body at the sound of his name from him because, _fuck_ , it’s been the first time he’s called his name all night and he’s never liked it when the perm-haired bastard says _anything_ than when he’s saying his name right now.

“G-Gintoki?” The sound of his name feels too foreign on Hijikata’s lips - he’s never called him by his first name, so why start now? Gintoki grabs onto the lapels of his shirt, and buries his head deep into his chest. He feels something wet, but Hijikata’s too stunned to try and figure what the hell it is.

“I-In my dreams, I’m always alone. Oh, so terribly _alone._ I hear their screams; I feel their anger; I hear the sound of metal slicing through flesh; I smell the scent of blood, and suddenly I feel like I’m back to my younger self. Back to the Amanto war ten years ago.” Gintoki’s voice sounds desperate, as if he’s begging for forgiveness; like he wants repentance for something he did all those years ago.

“I can hear their screams. _How could you kill him?!_ they scream at me; they make their tongues as sharp as a snake’s and shoot bitter words at me. They’re like poison _and I can’t make them go away_.” Gintoki is entirely shaking now and Hijikata’s afraid to hold him closer than he already is. He’s unsure of whether or not it’s still the alcohol speaking or it really _is_ him, because if it is...Hijikata doesn’t know what to say to him.

He’s aware Gintoki has had some sort of traumatic experiences in the past - having fought in war and all - but he never expected it to be _this_ bad. It’s like he’s a completely different person; Hijikata understands that Gintoki is still having trouble defeating demons of his past, but...it still left him speechless to know that someone like him (who usually seems like he can get over just about anything) is just as delicate.

“Then I see Shouyou-sensei in chains and the Naraku are standing next to him. They dig their staffs into his skin, as if to mock him and me. I scream at them to stop, but they don’t, they never do, because my voice never reaches the heavens.”

Gintoki breathes heavily, his chest quickly rising and falling against Hijikata’s own body. He feels breathless; his head is spinning from all these revelations and things that spurt out of Gintoki’s mouth. The man clings even tighter onto him again and he takes in more of Hijikata’s scent.

Why is he saying all these things? He doesn’t _understand_. Gintoki needs to stop before it gets out of hand, he _needs_ to stop saying these things, he can’t pour himself out - what if Hijikata thinks badly of him? What if he leaves just like Takasugi and (nearly) Katsura? He can’t afford to lose those important to him, he _can’t._ What if, by laying himself bare, he loses those dear to him _again_ and he fails to keep his promise a second time?

“K-Kagura and Shinpachi,” he chokes out; he feels as though all the air has been knocked from his lungs. “M-My hands…” Gintoki grabs Hijikata’s shirt tighter. “They’re c-covered in their blood sometimes.”

Hijikata’s hand rubs his back and Gintoki sighs, it’s so dreary and heavy he relishes in Hijikata’s touch. He feels himself begin to laugh, at himself for being so _weak and pathetic_ ; he’s never changed from back then. Things will repeat and everyone will end up leaving him again, he’ll end up all alone again. But, with Hijikata here, in his arms, feeling his warmth, it feels different.

“It’s okay,” Hijikata says, it’s all so soothing and Gintoki wants to curse at himself, a grown adult for breaking down at a damned _nightmare_.

“Look, I don’t know you from then, and I sure as hell don’t know what you’ve done back then, but I do know the you _now_ ,” Hijikata begins, voice soft and firm, arms supporting Gintoki as the silver-haired male peers into the other’s eyes, “The one who’s standing here, in my arms, right now, the ugly bastard who gets under everyone’s skin, the idiot who slacks off and never pays his employees, the man who’d travel to the ends of the earth for his friends.”

“So don’t worry about it, we’re here, _I’m_ here, okay, Gintoki?” and he smiles, which makes Gintoki’s heart beat like crazy, which he inadvertently blames on the way he says his given name.

Hijikata flushes, face heating up out of embarrassment at what he just said, and to _whom_ he just said it to. He wants to hide, crawl under a rock and never come out until he’s made sure Gintoki completely forgets about this, uhm, incident. He can’t deny, though, the warm feeling budding up his entire body from Gintoki and the words he said to him.

“You are _not_ who you were back then. You might’ve committed sins in the past, but you’re different now. Those two pain-in-the-ass kids? They need you. They might not admit it, _you_ might not admit it, but everyone knows you need them just as they need you. So if you think you can’t live for yourself anymore, live for _them._ Live for those who are dear to you. And I promise they won’t go anywhere. Not on my watch.”

He blushes again, but he regrets nothing. Not his words, not his actions, nothing. Here is a man who’s still haunted by his own past; here is a man who dreams of everyone leaving him; here is a man who dreams of carnage, of blood, of black crows waiting to feed on his carcass. Here is a man who is as good as dead inside - how could Hijikata regret his promise? He swears he’ll do anything to keep it.

And Gintoki, who's seen nothing but blood and guts, tears and heard words of sorrow, does nothing but relish in the warmth Hijikata gladly provides him. He wants to laugh because it takes him back to simpler, more carefree times where two others had said words that had made his heart swell too. But it's all buried, locked away and lost at the back of their minds.

So Gintoki, for all that he is, smiles at the man who's making him feel so _whole_ , which is ridiculous because when has he gotten so sappy?

“Gintoki,” he’s snapped out of his thoughts because for a fraction of a moment, just a fraction, he thought it was as if everyone from back then, before everything went tumbling down, had called out to him.

“I won't mind it, I mean, I don't mind skipping night patrol to be by your side whenever you get a nightmare,” Gintoki has to bite down on his inner cheek to stop the grin spreading across his face.

But, in the end, when he sees the way Hijikata is looking at him (not in an “I'm going to kill you!” way), he smiles.

 


End file.
